it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
