Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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