If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
