im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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