I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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