3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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