she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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