I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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