Non-Jews are for practice
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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