i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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