Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
