it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
