I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
