I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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