Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
