When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
