totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
