sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
