In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
