i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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