nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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