I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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