I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
