Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
