had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
