There was a lot of him and a little penis
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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