About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
