i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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