well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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