Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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