I need to stop coming to work sober
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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