Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
