she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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