She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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