There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
