She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
