He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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