Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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