and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
