Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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