I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
