i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
