don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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