i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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