im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
