the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This is the high leading the old right now
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
