I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
