Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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