He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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