I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
