i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize