theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How does one acquire holy water?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
