i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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