I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
