Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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