Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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