i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Did I show you my penis last night?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
