I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
