I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
