If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
