Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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