Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
