I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
