When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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